I truly believed God told me he was my husband to-be

"Each time I saw John, something lit up within me. That something just couldn't stop drawing me to him. I really liked him. Just everything about him fascinated me.

He was a Christian like me, and I would sometimes wonder if this feeling within me was not a sign that he was the one for me? I honestly wished he was. Then one day, my desire and prayer (you can call it that way) was granted. God told me he was my husband to-be.

I was so happy but still unconvinced, so I asked the Lord to really, really confirm to me that John was indeed going to be my husband. I had dreams and just an overwhelming feeling that this guy was really my Mr. Right. I was excited.  I incessantly prayed for John to come around.

Finally John asked me out. Few months later we got married and lived blissfully ever after...

How I wish that were the case. I had eagerly looked forward to the marriage and the ever after, but it never happened, because few months after we started dating, John walked away with another woman, leaving me heartbroken. And confused.

I still believed God told me he was going to be my husband. Therefore, I tried all in my power to bring him back to me. All in vain.

I learned he later walked away from the other woman, before finally settling down with another woman."

End of fictionalizing my story and possibly hundreds of other people's experiences.

These disillusion stories has led some Christians to conclude that God cannot and will not tell you who to marry. That is not true.

God will show you who your husband or wife to-be is. But before we come to that, let's hear a little more on some of the unfortunate experiences, a little more of my story.

 When my relationship crashed, I was devastated emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

I laugh now because I didn't believe back then that I would ever recover; it was one of the darkest moments of my life and I didn’t think I can ever be normal again.

The pain of that experience was not really about losing him, but mostly because of the thought of having done something wrong to cause God’s will not to come to pass. For a long time I blamed and hated myself. I had failed God.

From the time I got born-again I had believed and taught that we are supposed to trust God to lead us to the right person in order to avoid unfortunate relationships, but here I was with a negative testimony.

I believed God hated me too. I didn’t think he would ever use me again. I had become a useless and despised piece of nothing in his sight.

I've really come a long way renewing my mind :)

But after a long time, the scales began to fall off and I came to a place where I heartily appreciated God that the said relationship had not ended in marriage.

I had to accept that it did not matter whether God had spoken or not about the man being the one for me.

There were things I'd done wrong, things I'd ignored, things I'd tolerated which I shouldn't have. I had placed a 'word from God' above biblical principles, above common sense.

Only when I'd accepted my mistakes did the break up look sweet.

Breakups should not always be viewed negatively. It is better to experience the pain of broken engagement than the hurt of divorce or an inconvenient marriage.

"When God tells you he's the one, just ignore red flags!"

The biggest problem that people who’ve ‘heard from God about marrying someone’ usually have is the ignoring of red flags. The ‘word from God’ trumps all logical reasoning and biblical principles. All the focus is on the ‘fact’ that God has spoken and the mistaken belief is that ‘all will be well; and we shall live happily ever after’.

It is true that sometimes what God tells us to do defies logic. For example, telling Moses and the Israelites to go forward while the Red Sea stared at them.

But in the case of relationships, that shouldn’t be the case.

I saw red flags and ignored them. I was uncomfortable with some things he said and did, but never demanded for an honest discussion about them. I felt like my life needed to be going a different direction, which he strongly opposed, making me fear what a future of togetherness would look like.

Yet I comforted myself with the excuse that God had told me he was the one, and that somehow things were just going to straighten themselves out.

Hard to accept God did not speak

A good premarital counselor would have told us to separate. Unfortunately we didn't seek one, for our overconfidence and pure convictions were more than enough assurance that our union was going to stand the storms of marital life.

But the relationship did not survive dating. The hardest part of coping with the break up was accepting that God never told me he was the one. Even when the man literally cursed me before leaving, I still believed it had been God's will for us to end up together and that I had blown it.

That refusal to accept the obvious is always a problem. I've talked with several people who had at one time believed God told them he or she was the one, and the marriage never materialized. Accepting God did not speak hurts our ego.

Probably you are reading this at a time when you believe that God has told you someone is your husband or wife to-be. This is especially important for the women, because they are usually the ones who 'hear God' and then wait for the guy to come around.

The guy is not coming around, he may even be busy dating around with other women, but yet you are waiting with the belief that God has revealed to you that he's eventually going to marry you.

One sister waited for about ten years and the man finally married another woman. By the second year, she should have been questioning what 'God' was telling her, but she stubbornly clung to the revelation till she was disappointed.


Will God show you who your husband or wife is?

The answer is yes. God is your Father who loves you passionately. He's concerned about every area of your life, including who you marry. He knows who exactly complements you. You can trust him to not only reveal that person to you, but to orchestrate circumstances in your lives to bring your paths to cross.

However, your accuracy in hearing God will depend on several factors including:

  • Your relationship with God. The more intimate you are with him, the clearer you can discern his voice and leading.

Recommended: Intimacy with God, a priority for the Christian Single

  • Your preoccupation about relationship. If you already like John, and flirt emotionally with him, there is high probability that you will 'hear' God telling you that he's the one for you. You will then begin to dream about John, and see any and every circumstance to be confirming that you two are indeed supposed to end up together. The same is true if you very eager and desperate for marriage. Every eligible guy who smiles at you would seem like the one God ordained for you.

It is more likely to be God revealing the guy is the one for you when you are not preoccupied with relationship. When you are busy with other things and your mind seems to drift to the awareness of that guy, it could be God.

  • Your willingness to prove the word from God

I'll talk more about that in the next sub-heading. Like I said above about ignoring red flags, another issue I've noted with those who 'hear' God about who to marry is the fear of proving the word from God. Beneath that fear is actually the reason why the relationship should not continue.

When I looked back after the break up, I could see several instances where if I'd been keen to listen and pay attention, God was actually drawing my attention to the fact that the relationship was not right.

However, I was not willing to prove what I was hearing from God. I was clinging to my emotional convictions and 'confirmatory' circumstances.

When God tells you he's the one for you

If you feel or think God has told you about marrying someone,

1. Fold up the revelation and tuck it somewhere underneath the present priorities in your life.

Go about your life as if you never heard a word from God. Unless God asks you to take specific steps concerning the revelation.

But you must be careful about what you believe God is telling you to do. The best I can think of is God telling you to prepare to become a wife. That may include reading books about marriage, seeking to understand the role of a wife, and other related stuff.

As a woman, I don't believe God will tell you to approach the man and ask him out. Nor will God tell you to make him desire you by luring him with seductive dressing or gifts.

Don't tell me about Ruth approaching Boaz . She was a family widow who stood to be inherited according to their culture. I therefore believe her case was different.

It is a woman's dignity to be found out.

Note: If you can't shelve the revelation, if you are just so overwhelmingly flooded with emotions and convictions about John, that you can't seem to concentrate on anything but him, seek help on how to overcome lust and infatuation. It is not God telling you the guy is the one for you.

2. The second thing to do when you think God is telling you someone is going to be your husband, is that you can wait for the guy to come around. But don't wait for too long.

God may tell you who your husband is and it takes a while for the guy to come around. But if it is taking forever, it is likely God did not speak to you, you probably interpreted lust or infatuation as God's voice.

In you insist on waiting, you may wake up one day to hear his marriage banns being announced in church or see his wedding photos making rounds on social media.

3. If the guy finally comes, don't settle yet with your conclusions. It does sometimes happen that you may like someone and even feel they are your Mr. Right, and then they  finally approach you for relationship. That doesn't mean you must end up together.

As you date, still prove that word from God: John's attitude towards you (and towards other single women), parental perspective, premarital counseling.

If something is amiss, don't cling to a word from God. Remember you marry a person, not a conviction.

Marry with the goal to enjoy marriage. What that means is that you should take the subject of who you marry very important, whether or not you have a specific word from God.

Don't be so keen to go with what you believe 'God is saying' that you enter marriage blindly. You may later regret and blame God for leading you into a messy relationship.

Recommended: Importance of premarital counseling

God bless,

Jane

Do you have other issues affecting you as a Christian Single? Feel free to contact us